


Konan Needs a Drink

by OnceAndAlwaysEnglishMajor



Series: Naruto Drabbles [16]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Konan needs a drink, Multi, and a break from being the mom friend, mentions of KakuHida, mentions of KisaIta, mentions of SasoDei
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 03:45:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12926670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceAndAlwaysEnglishMajor/pseuds/OnceAndAlwaysEnglishMajor
Summary: Konan is so tired of being the mom-friend of the Akatsuki.





	Konan Needs a Drink

**Author's Note:**

> Author has not finished Shippuden

     Hidan and Kakuzu attempted to sneak back into the Akatsuki hideout. Konan clicked on the lights, and both men froze.   
     “What time do you call this?” Konan asked. “We expected you back days ago.”   
     “I had to put Hidan back together again,” Kakuzu said, pointing at his partner.   
     “What?” Hidan shrieked. “You only had to patch me up because you insisted on going after a mark!” Konan felt a headache building behind her eyes. She held up a hand, interrupting Hidan’s rant.   
     “Just tell me, did you complete your mission?”   
     “The mission was a success,” Kakuzu rumbled.   
     “Good,” Konan said. “Oh, Kakuzu? Remember what we talked about? The bingo book is not a religious text. Don’t even start, Hidan, ‘for Jashin’ is not a good enough reason to act on every dumbass idea that comes into your head.”   
Hidan and Kakuzu slunk past her, still arguing in hushed tones. Konan pressed her lips into a thin line. What did she do to deserve this?

***  
      Konan stood, arms crossed, the only calm spot in a sea of chaos. What started as a routine Akatsuki meeting had spiraled into an all out brawl in record time. Konan knew, because she was timing it. She was pretty sure it was Tobi’s fault today. It was usually Tobi’s fault. He had a talent for poking things with a stick. Now, curses and kunai flew through the room. Konan waited hoping that maybe this time they would work things out on their own. Deidara went for his clay, and Konan intervened.   
Clap Clap. Clapclapclap. The Akatsuki froze, the clapped the rhythm back to Konan.   
     “Can we please address the matter at hand?” Konan asked. “And put the room back in order, if you would.” Sheepishly, the members of the Akatsuki righted the furniture that had used to create defensive positions.

***  
     “Why do you do this to me?” Konan asked. Sasori and Deidara both tried very hard to look anywhere but Konan.   
     “We are trying to keep a low profile,” Konan said with a sigh. “Murdering high ranking ninja because they have a cool jutsu and you want a new toy is not keeping a low profile, Sasori.” Deidara sniggered at his partner’s misfortune.   
     “Don’t think you’re off the hook, Deidara,” Konan said dangerously. “Blowing things up to cover up the fact that your partner killed a high ranking ninja because he wanted a new toy is also not keeping a low profile. And you didn't even succeed in the cover up! I heard about the missing nin and the explosion before you even got back! The two of you are going to give me grey hairs. Now go be artistic somewhere else, but for fuck’s sake keep a low profile this time!”

***  
     “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Konan muttered, rolling her eyes.   
     “What?” Pein asked, looking at Konan in confusion.   
     “Itachi’s smiling, he’s obviously getting laid,” Konan explained. Pein’s eyes went comically wide.   
     “WHAT?”   
     “Don’t tell me you didn’t notice the sexual tension between him and Kisame,” Konan said. “They’ve been wound tight for months. It’s probably good for them.”   
     “I don’t think I needed to know about this,” Pein said faintly. Konan leveled him with a glare.   
     “Are you seriously telling me you’re oblivious to all of it?”   
     “All of what?” Pein asked.   
     “Considering who our teacher was, you shouldn’t be this oblivious,” Konan scolded.   
     “Oblivious to what?” Pein asked with trepidation, not sure he really wanted to know. Konan released a long-suffering sigh.   
     “Hidan and Kakuzu are fuck buddies, Itachi and Kisame have been dancing around each other for months, and Sasori and Deidara are into some kinky BDSM shit. And sometimes they have a threesome with Tobi,” Konan said.  
     “I can’t unhear that,” Pein muttered.   
     “I can’t unsee it,” Konan countered.

***  
     “Konan, I need you to deal with Pein,” Madara said.   
     “I need you to stop being two people,” Konan fired back. Then she sighed. “What now?”   
     “He’s… Brooding,” Madara said.   
     “That idiot’s doing that thing where he sits on the roof in the rain again, isn’t he?” Konan asked, rubbing her temples.   
     “Yes,” Madara admitted.   
     “Fine. I’ll go talk him down. Kakuzu and Hidan are here, DO NOT start any fights while I’m gone. Can you do that for me?”   
     “No promises!” Madara sang in his Tobi voice.   
     “One of these days I’m going to end you,” Konan muttered. She climbed onto the roof. Pein was sitting on the very edge, feet dangling into space. He stared into the distance, not seeming to notice the rain, the perfect picture of a brooding Byroniic hero.   
     “The fuck’s wrong with you?” Konan asked conversationally, plopping herself down next to Pein and swinging her feet over the edge.   
     “There is only pain in life,” Pein muttered, still staring moodily into space. Konan cuffed him on the back of the head.   
     “Ya think? Stop being an asshole and come inside. Madara’s worrying again. And I left him and Hidan and Kakuzu unattended, which is just asking for the destructions for our current hideout,” Konan said.   
     “I want to contemplate the uselessness of existence,” Pein said. Konan rolled her eyes.  
     “Yeah, and I want a stiff drink. Contemplate the uselessness of existence inside and we can both be happy.” She pulled feet back onto the roof and stood up. Pein did the same.   
     “Looks like things are still standing,” Konan mused as they climbed inside. “I don’t know whether to be relieved or worried.” (It turns out the answer was both. Hidan made pancakes, which were surprisingly delicious, but he almost destroyed the kitchen in the process.)

***  
 _Dear Jiraiya-sensi,_  
Surprise, I’m not dead! I’m also a high-ranking member of the Akatsuki, which is why I’m contacting you now. None of your training prepared me for babysitting 9 mass-murdering man-children. They are driving me to alcholism. I am so tired. Please, let me turn myself in. All the information you could want in exchange for a nice cell where none of these idiots can find me. Though there is a chance that they will accidentally or intentionally kill themselves before you can find them without my supervision. Also, your most recent installment of the Icha Icha series was absolutely excellent, my copy is already in tatters (like my sanity would be without your books). Hope to hear from you soon!  
     XOXO,  
          Konan


End file.
